Adventures In The Revolutionary

Setting the record straight on Love in Action (pun intended)

2010-02-09T11:18:00.000-08:00

Three years ago, I found myself on a plane headed to Memphis, Tennessee. Perhaps the last place I would have ever thought I’d end up, but I was going to begin three months of residence at Love in Action. A rudimentary search on Love in Action will yield little information other than being denounced by people who never went through the program, negative accounts by men and women who went through the program and the vague “finding freedom through the power of Jesus Christ” motto on their official website. Anyone who knows of Love in Action will quickly ask me what it was like once they find out I came out of that program in April of 2007.

Love in Action started out in San Francisco in 1973 by a man named Frank Worthen. Worthen lived as a homosexual in San Francisco during the 60’s and 70’s but had since become a Christian and left the homosexual lifestyle. He recorded a tape sharing his story of freedom from homosexuality and placed an ad in a local gay magazine offering the tape to anyone who inquired. He received 60 replies and began a Bible study at his church geared solely for men and women struggling to come out of homosexuality and eventually wrote a book. Eventually, men and women began showing up at his door step with luggage in hand asking for help. They had read his book or heard his tape and wanted out too. They left their homes, friends and jobs with a one way ticket to San Francisco in hopes that this man could help them come out. Not wanting to turn them away and quickly realizing the need for housing, Worthen opened up a house where they all could live while they were walking away from homosexuality. Thus, Love in Action became the first residential program in the United States geared specifically to help men and women come out of homosexuality. By 1992, John Smid took over the ministry from Worthen and in 1994 moved Love in Action from San Francisco to Memphis, Tennessee. There they met with local recovery group leaders and implemented a more holistic, structured recovery curriculum which included the “12-steps,” support groups, daily teaching and weekly meeting with lay counselors who had walked out of homosexuality themselves. Eventually, they opened up the ministry for those struggling with any form of sexual addiction, but it still remained primarily a ministry for overcoming homosexuality.

Since then, some of the men and women who have gone through the program have come out against it. Some have gone as far as to say that they have done irreparable harm, and called for the ministry to be shut down. They have been protested against, maligned by the media and parodied in movies such as “But I’m a Cheerleader.” And though I cannot dismiss the claims of detractors, I find the silence of those who benefitted from Love in Action strangely alarming. Not because there are so few, but because there are so many! I still stay in contact with most of the men and women I was in program with and they run the gamut. some may be in the lifestyle but they don’t hate Love in Action, they simply moved on. One is still friends with his counselor even though he has claimed a gay identity, and many have just assimilated back into their daily lives having been empowered to live a life according to their convictions. Here’s my story:

I went to Love in Action on February 5, 2007 having signed up for three months. I actually left the night before but it was superbowl sunday, and the superbowl was being held in Miami. Tickets leaving miami on Monday were very expensive while tickets that sunday were very cheap. So I left sunday and missed the superbowl. The Colts won that year, not so much this year. It was raining that year and I had a layover in Atlanta. My flight was delayed and so I missed my layover in atlanta and subsequently had to sleep in the airport which was not really happening. All in all, I had stayed up the whole night watching music videos on my laptop and superbowl commercials on youtube waiting for my next flight at 9am. When I finally reached Memphis and was picked up by the staff I knew this was going to be the start of defining moment for me. I reached the office and signed some wavers which stipulated whom the staff was allowed to give information on me, ie my mother, aunt whoever. Otherwise they will not deny/confirm your existence. they value the clients privacy.

They went through my luggage and took certain articles of clothing out. They took my Ramones T-shirt, a hot topic t-shirt I had, my little skinny punk rock ties, my skull and cross-bones belt... apparently they were false images. I didn’t understand it then, but they were right. I had worked so long to be different and stand out that it had become a false image. I had lost the real me. I portrayed a tough punk rock persona in hopes that people would think I was cool and would like me, but really that wasn’t me. I learned the full extent of the false image I was presenting when on a special trip to starbucks with the other clients I ordered a drink. I stepped up to the counter and ordered a “Decaf, Half Shot, Tall, Extra-Caramel, No whip, Caramel Affogato, Vanilla Bean Frappucino Blended Creme.” The thing is, I don’t even like coffee! I was confronted by one of the other clients who said “Frank, you don’t have to order a fancy drink for us to like you... we like you because of who you are not what you drink or what you wear.” Since then I’ve ordered a tall Calm tea. I learned its ok to have blue hair, or punk rock ties or skull and cross bones if you really like them. Some people really are into that stuff... but its not ok if you lose yourself in them, if you wear them as a costume to play a part... I still have those punk rock ties, and I still have that belt and that shirt, but interestingly enough I found I like wearing long sleeve oxfords with jeans.

That first day, they told me I was to be on sanctuary. Sanctuary is a step every client goes through in which you’re not allowed to speak for the first three days or so. It may be extended as in my case, but I’ve not seen it extended past a week. I couldn’t keep my mouth shut, and it was obvious the first couple of days that rebellion would play a big role in my stay there. I’ve heard some accuse that forbidding one to speak like they did at Love in Action is a tool of brainwashing. Perhaps. Perhaps I needed to be brainwashed. Perhaps I had become so ingrained in my destructive life patterns that I needed to be washed of that... but no, its not brainwashing. It was a tool, it was meant to free me from the impulse of making sure everyone liked me, free me from taking control of the group, free me to have time to myself where I can take everything in.

That night, I arrived at the house I was staying in. we sat at the dinner table, shared some praises and prayer about our day and bonded. I went to my bed and fell soundly asleep. It had been about 30 some hours I had been awake in total so I was dead tired. But before I fell asleep I remember breathing a sigh of relief and thinking “wow, I really made it. I’m finally safe.” I didn’t have to hide anymore, I didn’t have to worry about people rejecting me for being tempted with homosexuality, and I didn’t have to worry about people labeling me something I didn’t identify with. I could be totally honest about everything, and they could handle it. I was safe.

there was no seances, no electro-shock therapy or lobotomies. Here is what a typical week looked like:

On Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays we woke up to go to the Gym. We hated it, at least most of us did. My friends and I typically got away with playing wally-ball... a sort of indoor volleyball. We thought it was silly, and would have preferred to sleep, but hey exercise is good right?

There were schedules for everything. Every night two clients had to cook dinner for the house. There was a recipe book and rotation for every 28 days. People made fun of the food, some was good, some were not so great, hit or miss but hey, it was food. If we wanted to go anywhere like target or kmart to pick some stuff up on the weekends, we had to fill out a form, formally requesting permission to go to these places. Fridays we watched a movie, which had to be requested as well, and saturdays we had game night (I totally ruled at RISK.) Saturday mornings was “stewardships” ie Chores.

It wasn’t all fun though, there was alot of hard personal work to be done. I was made to take long hard looks at myself, something I couldn’t stand to do very often or for very long periods of time. It was all theraputic. Like when I had to look at myself in the mirror and compliment myself. I couldn’t do it. I broke down. I was so filled with self hatred, and they helped me over come it. I had to look at my relationships back home to see which were healthy and which were not. Which I had to cut, which I could keep and which I should work on. I had to work on my sense of entitlement, rebelliousness, pride, trust, anger and self esteem. All this was done in an environment of love. As hard as any one of my assignments was, as hard as any of the challenges they gave me were, the staff made sure I knew they loved me.

By the end of the three months I had become comfortable there. I had the opportunity to extend my stay another three months, or I could go back home. I had never been loved like they loved me at Love in Action, I wanted to stay. The relationships and challenges that awaited me at home seemed too daunting to face I just wanted to run away and stay at Love in Action. I filled out an application to extend my stay, and was denied. They could have extended my stay and taken my money. Perhaps I would have learned a little more had I stayed for 3 more months... but they understood I would benefit more from going back home than I ever would retreating into the safe world of Love in Action.

I came back and I was a changed person. I carried myself differently, I thought differently, became a man of greater restraint and was generally more comfortable letting others get to know the real me. I took risks and developed friendships like I had never had before. I moved out of my mothers house within a month and entered the world of adults. I went back to school to study Psychology and Political Science. By all accounts, going to Love in Action made me a better person not a lesser one. Some portrayals in media or the blog-o-sphere would have you believe that someone going into the program is sure to come out socially inept, sucking their thumb and retreating into a fetal position for the rest of their lives. This hasn’t been my experience or that of any of the clients I’ve come to know over the years. I can’t account for those horror stories which seem to be the majority on the internet but the minority in real life. I can only add my voice and say I was different, and those I know were different.

For the moments I Loose Sight.

2010-01-31T18:06:00.001-08:00

The world comes at me from all directions. It tells me to forsake Christ and pursue instead pleasure, power and self glory. That my worth is only in how much money I make, who I can get to sleep with me and who I can get to worship me. And sometimes, I buy into the lie and begrudgingly follow Christ.

I suppose thats better than not following Christ at all. I guess Christ would rather I follow Him reluctantly than to forsake Him completely. I have as of late been following Him begrudgingly. I've looked at the world and wondered "why do they get to have all the fun?" but then, everything becomes clear again.

Thank you Jesus for these moments of revelation. Please, be thou my vision.!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=k8AdgQI1aQA

The Poor

2010-01-06T16:20:00.000-08:00

three years ago I made a decision.

I decided I wanted to join some friends and move into one of the poorest black neighborhoods in Miami. It was something my friends were calling incarnational ministry. meaning... in the same way as God became man (incarnation) to minister (ministry) to us... so we should live among those whom we want to minister to. I thought it was a novel idea, and heck... Jesus seems to be a big fan of the poor.

Currently, I work at a bank in the drive through. as such, I have a lovely view of the parkinglot all day long. for that past couple of weeks there has been a homeless man sleeping in the corner of the parkinglot. He just stays under some boxes. I know he's alive because he gets up from time to time, but doesn't really do much. then goes back to the boxes.

As a Christian, I base my morality and my action on what the Bible says. As such, I saw the guy and the verse from Matthew 25 popped into my head. It goes something like this: Some people meet Jesus in heaven and he tells them they cant get in. they ask "why cant we get in?" and he replies "when I was hungry you did not feed me, when I was thirsty you did not give me to drink." He goes on to explain that "whatever you do for the least of these, you did for me."

so I'm staring at this homeless guy for ten hours a day and I think... "watch that be Jesus and it comes back to bite me in the butt!" so I thought I'd get him some mcdonalds today. well... I ended up not getting him McDonalds cuz I was late and there was a line. And I'm there feeling all guilty because I'm letting Jesus starve, when sucker sits up and starts smoking a blunt! Then I thought... maybe He's not Jesus!

here's the thing though. I've kinda gotten jaded, and its not just because of this homeless guy... but because of all the poor and homeless I've met throughout the years.

When I read the things Jesus says about the poor, I wonder if He meant that to mean the poor in America or the poor of His time? See these are two totally different things.

Back in Jesus' time poverty was more of an institution you couldn't get out of than an actual consequence of the life you lived. In those days, you were poor probably because you were considered a sinner, had leprosy or maybe were born out of wedlock. perhaps you were a widow and could not work (because women weren't allowed to work) or you were excessively taxed by the roman government. Or lets face it... maybe you were just born poor and therefore schools and society weren't open to you.

America is a totally different story though. Though poverty exists, it seems more like a consequence of the decisions you make rather than a set of cards life dealt you. One good heroin addiction and you're liable to be sleeping by a dumpster come veterans day! I mean really.... I see poverty all around me and I notice, its people who made the conscious choice not to go to school, or someone who got into a bad drug habit.

Oh but some people cant go to school! some might argue.

well... I argue back.

I for example, have absolutely no financial aid. My family doesn't pay for my schooling and you know what... I actually still go to school. Sure its tougher, sure I take longer... but I'm still going. And even so... you at least graduate from high school, that can get you a decent job.

I see no reason for there to be homeless in America. If anything, there are shelters... but the homeless dont want to avail themselves of it.

another argument is that homelessness can be as a result of mental illness. again, there are mental hospitals which they can go to for treatment.

if its a drug addiction, there are state funded rehab facilities.

there is just no good reason to be homeless! I dont understand.

Still formulating my thoughts

2010-01-04T19:13:00.000-08:00

Just read this book.

Amazing.

It has redefined my standards.

I am re-reading it...

I have never read a book twice.

more to come...

The Christmas Sweater

2009-12-08T23:14:00.000-08:00

Just finished reading the Christmas Sweater.

I am thoroughly impressed. I won't hide the fact that I am a big fan of conservative politics and thereby also Glenn Beck. However, I will admit that for about a year I had seen the book on shelves and turned it down really believing Beck should stick to politics. I didn't want to read some sappy story about a Christmas sweater... I figured people are usually known for what they're best at. Beck is known for being a political watchdog, not a novelist.

I gave the book a try and I was impressed. Think "Its a wonderful life" or "Five people you meet in heaven" If Frank Capra were making movies today, he'd make this into one. It leaves a warm place in your heart. Even the acknowledgements in the back warmed me. Five stars all the way... because this is a book of consequence. Very inspirational.

Thoughts on Precious

2009-11-29T00:41:00.000-08:00

I just got home from watching precious. From what I saw in the trailers it seemed like it was going to be a great movie. In fact, it was perhaps one of the most highly anticipated movies of the year for me. I am a sucker for a dramatic movie. I'm not just talking star crossed lovers torn apart by fate (though that will hold me over just fine.) I'm talking about gut wrenching, rip your heart right out of your chest, stomp on it and make you cry type of drama. I'm talking the greats, Shindlers List, Hotel Rwanda and American History X.

Happy movies just dont do it for me. I can laugh, but I easily forget those movies. I was raised in such a fake culture, where everyone wears a smile as default... that happy almost doesn't feel real to me sometimes. I like drama that will shake me from the shallowness of everyday life and make me feel alive. I do prefer a cathartic cry rather than a good laugh.

Though I do like a good tragedy, I must say that Precious was a major fail in my book. It has to be realistic or at least relatable on some level. Otherwise I will disconnect. I can understand genocide because I've studied it in school. I can understand racism because to a certain extent, I've experienced it. Precious was so overdone, I disconnected and just wanted the movie to end.

At first, it seems right up my ally. Clarice Precious Jones is a 16 year old morbidly obese black girl living in a ghetto. I believe its Harlem, I forget. She is falling through the cracks of the educational system. Shes 16 and still in middle school whats worse is that shes pregnant with her second child and in a physically abusive home where her mother routinely tried to beat her over the head with pots and pans and daily bombards her with messages that shes worthless. This drew me in, and I would be raving about this movie if thats where it stayed... however as the story kept unfolding, I began to disconnect.

We come to find that Precious' first child was actually born with downs syndrome. Her father is sexually abusing her and is the man who has impregnated her twice now. She has been suffering though sexual abuse since the age of three by her father. When her mother sees precious' new child, she holds him and throws him on the floor and proceeds to beat precious and even throw a TV at her head to kill her. Thankfully Precious escapes. She is illiterate and has little prospects for a future, any hopes she may have had are dashed when her mother comes to visit her and informs her that her father (who has been abusing her) has died........of AIDS. Precious gets tested and finds out she has AIDS as well.

imagine two hours of this. where every fifteen minutes another bomb is dropped. There was no resolution in the movie save her walking away from her mother. Life sucks for her and there is no way out. I don't need a happy ending... but I do need an ending. Shindler fled penniless as a war criminal, the war ended in Hotel Rwanda, and Derek's brother is shot and killed after he recants white supremacy. I don't need a happy ending, but I need an ending none the less. There was simply too much drama in Precious to where I could no longer relate and wondered "what's next? is she going to be bitten by a rabid dog too?"

don't waste your money.

I snuck into new moon afterwards hoping to get a decent movie. It was mediocre at best, but hey I didn't expect oscars from them, its a tween novel. I was much more disappointed by Precious.

Does this make me an enemy of God?

2009-11-07T18:45:00.001-08:00

I was watching some of the weekend news programs when I was made aware of a convention being held in Copenhagen this December which would seemingly instill a one world governing body that would be in charge of redistributing wealth. In the interest of full disclosure, I will admit that I am an avowed classical liberal... this usually translates to Republican. I believe in a small government and a free market society with little oversight other than to protect the interests of its constituents. I was asked recently what the difference between Democrats and Republicans are. I came to the conclusion that Democrats believe Government is the answer to our problems, while Republicans believe Government is the problem. But, I'll let that end here because this post wasn't about political ideology.

In any case, I have been seeing transnationalism growing as of the past couple of years. I have been hearing rhetoric from our government about being "citizens of the world" and that we should submit to a global community rather than our own self interests. I see this inevitably leading to a one world government. I'll make no bones about it... I am a Christian as well if you haven't been able to tell from my previous posts. According to Christian prophecies, the world is indeed headed toward a one world government and will be headed up by a dictator who will wage war on all those who are disloyal to him and particularly Christians who refuse to worship him. This may seem far fetched, but its becoming more a reality every day.

That being said, I find myself having a little crisis of faith.

Being that I am such a classical liberal and believe in small government. Being that I take every opportunity to speak out against the ever growing government and that I consistently vote for smaller government at every election... does this make me an enemy of God? I whole heartedly do not want to see the events of Revelation transpire in my lifetime. It is apparent that God is working to that end, while I am fighting tooth and nail to avoid it. Should I just stand aside and be led into tribulation and possibly martyrdom? Should I let people be killed in the future one world government simply because I read that's what God's will is? or should I work against it?

I am trying to not take this so serious for my own sanity. But I am interested in any comments?

Enjoying My Time Off

2009-11-04T11:36:00.001-08:00

I can finally enjoy my unemployment.

I've got a job and will begin working on November 16th. So until then, I'm posing as a starving artist. Im writing in my Pjs and reading over a cup of tea.

(when I'm not watching Fox News Channel and CMT)

Writing helps me understand God

2009-11-02T23:43:00.000-08:00

This month I've undertaken the challenge and joined NaNoWriMo. (National Novel Writing Month) basically its a contest where you write 1600 words a day and by a month, you should have a rough draft of a novel. The operative word is "rough draft" you are going to re-write and re-write until you can't stand your novel anymore, but as Mark Twain once said: "Great novels are never written, they are only re-written"

Anyhow, I find myself amazed by God in my writing. I am having such a hard time figuring out the life of one character. From this one character spring forth other characters I must also create and understand. I am the God of my book. I create the world and its rules. I create my character with its temperaments, and I orchestrate the events which happen in their lives.

I realize there really is a plan. Before the characters came into existence they were in my imagination. Literally... before the foundations of their world, I knew them! I know my characters before they are ever born. I have a good plan for my character though I see the pain they will go through. Even the hideousness of life will be used by me to bring about beauty. Consequently I am learning that I can trust Him.

There is an old story about an encounter Tolkien had with C.S. Lewis. Lewis was once having an argument with Tolkien about God, C.S. Lewis was then an atheist. Tolkien made the following analogy. "Suppose you created a whole world in a story, you grew your characters and loved them. Supposed now that you wanted to introduce yourself to your characters? you are totally outside of their time and space. Your reality is completely separate from their reality. How would you introduce yourself to them? simply, you write yourself into the story." Tolkien was making the analogy that the only way we can know God is through the person of Jesus Christ who is God and became man like us.

I am blown away by how much I've learned about God in these past two days. Truly God is so far outside of my understanding, my reality, my realm and space that there is no way conceivable that I would know Him unless He wrote Himself into my story. He does have a master plan and I should rest in it knowing that I am part of a beautiful story. Even the darkness exists to contrast with the light. There is a hope in the fact that the master author is writing the story. He finishes on sentence, rereads it and smiles because he knows how the book is going to end.

A new leaf?

2009-10-27T16:00:00.000-07:00

There once was a man named Eric Blair. He was a Briton and was very unhappy with his life, in fact no one ever really thought he'd make anything of himself. Unsure of where he was headed and with no direction or ambition to speak of, young Blair decided that he would join the Indian Imperial Police (remember, India was ruled by Great Britain then.) After retiring from the Indian Imperial Police - which he hated - Blair went back to his family's home in England and locked himself in his room.

Barely anyone saw him for the span of a year.

By years end, he emerged from his room declaring that he wanted to be a writer and would then go on to write some of the best English literature by the name of George Orwell.

I've been lounging around in my room this week... I think I want to write. I don't really need anything to be published, I doubt I ever will. But I think I want to write fiction. I want to write about people. I want to write stories of redemption. I want to write tragedies. I want to hear the *tlak, tlak, tlak* of my keyboard. I just want to create.

I've gotten four books on writing this week. Books on how to build plots, how to set up scenes, how to write dialogue and create characters. I am reading this weeks novel "Less than Zero" with new eyes. I never understood how much work went into the book, and how real fictional characters must become before they can be put on a page.

I was reading an interview with the author of "Pop Salvation," Lance Reynald. He created a whole playlist or soundtrack for his novel. How brilliant! I looked over the list and I kid you not, though no songs were mentioned, I heard each song throughout the book! I'm learning about character profiles and how much you have to know your character to get him right. I have to know every little detail such as his favorite smell, is he a dog or cat person? lefty or right handed? even though I may never write a single sentence about his favorite smell being play-doh and crayons, I must know this to make him real. He must be a real person to me if I am ever to convey him in a real way. I stand amazed.

I was having a discussion with a friend of mine about words. I love words. I love how some words sound. I love how some words just fit perfectly. Like behoove. I love the word behoove. Its a perfect word. I could say:

"It would be to my benefit if I took physics this year, instead of the next"

I could say: "It would behoove me to take physics this year, instead of the next"

Perfect word.

she said I have a writer's mind. I also like the word snarky and aloof. They sound just like what they are. lets see if anything good comes out of this little foray into writing?

Thoughts on Pop Salvation by Lance Reynald

2009-10-24T13:22:00.000-07:00

I was kind of in a frisky mood the other night. I love books, and typically I know which ones I want to read. I either know of them because they are classics like 1984 and Atlas Shrugged or perhaps from notoriety and fanfare like the DaVinci Code. But its safe to say that I usually know the plot line of the books I am going to read before I purchase them.

In any case, I was in a frisky mood. I wanted to go into Barnes and Noble and pick up a book I'd never heard of and get lost in a story. I wanted to meet someone new and have them hold my hand and guide me through a story worth hearing. I wanted to fall into a story rather than intentionally show up. I knew it would be fiction and I didn't want a period piece. (I'm still working through Les Miserables, and wanted to at least return to the familiarity of the 20th century.)

Then I came across a hot pink cover in a sea of mauve, browns, and burgundies. The book went by the title of Pop Salvation and claimed to be a coming of age story set in the 1980's. Not too much information, I just knew its a fictional coming of age story set in the 1980's. It was also 239 pages and didn't seem too intimidating. This would do for today. (Just in case, I also picked up a biography on Golda Meir in case my little foray into obscure literature proved fruitless.)

I got lost in the book from its first chapter. Written in first person omniscient, I almost lost sight of the book and the words in front of me. Rather it was more like I was sitting in a room with a stranger and we just happened to pick up a conversation. He was telling me of his childhood and growing up. I almost sensed the inflections of his voice as he would pause to reach back and grab another memory.

His name was Caleb Watson a Texas boy who moved to Washington D.C. with his father at the age of 12. Extraordinarily gifted but also ostracized by his classmates. His only friend a teacher who helps him with enunciation to get rid of his southern drawl. On a field trip He comes across an Andy Warhol painting of Marilyn Monroe's lips and is mesmerized by the sheer beauty in it. His teacher recognizes this and suggests to Caleb's father to enroll him in an art school for the summer. There he learns technique as well as comes in contact with other artistic outcasts like himself and learns how to be different with a purpose. He begins to bleach his hair and emulate his icon, Andy Warhol in speech and dress.

His father and teachers become concerned at his non-conformity. Not wanting to be bothered with the actual task of parenting, his father places young Caleb in therapy in hopes the therapist will straighten him out. This is all just the beginning of the book. I could recount the plot but then I might as well just transcribe the book onto this blog.

Caleb turns out to be gay (or at least bi-sexual.) I thought it was crafty of the publishers to hide that fact from me until I was well into the book. I typically don't make a habit of reading gay fiction. Mainly because it is more often than not mislabeled fiction, when in reality its erotica. Secondly because in this day and age gay characters seem too politicized. People make a gay character not because it adds to a story but because it makes a social/political statement. Personally, I don't enjoy homosexuality being rammed down my throat (if I may put it so bluntly.)

But this was different. Caleb was gay, not because the author wanted him to be gay to make a statement, but because thats what Caleb was. It was the only way Caleb could have been in this story. He was the complete outcast. It wasn't a story about a gay kid. It was a story about a kid who happened to be gay. Under these circumstances I could stand to keep reading it.

Caleb radiates an innocence and naivete about him. Through the book he is constantly taken advantage of by those who should have protected him. Either through the neglect of his father, or the misguiding of his elders. He suffers though his teen years what few suffer in a lifetime. In one chapter he walks the city streets and says "I was one of those people you ran into and wondered, what had he been before he gave up?"

That line stuck out to me, because throughout the whole book I wondered What might he have been had life turned out different? what would life had been like if his father paid him attention. What would his life had been like if he never met that transvestite? or perhaps if he'd never been exposed to drugs? what would his life had been like if people affirmed him when he was Caleb rather than when he pretended to be Andy Warhol?

Nearing the end of the book I commented to my roommates "I understand the pop in the book but I'm still waiting for the salvation part." Thankfully, Reynald does wrap the book up at the end with almost a sigh of relief. Perhaps a bit hurried in some regard but more than adequate. His pain is not resolved, but finally Caleb finds strength to stand on his own again and face the world. But it is not without the loss of a few friends and loved ones along the way.

I'd give this book 4 stars (out of five.) because though I thoroughly enjoyed it and got lost in the story, I reserve the fifth star for books of consequence. Books like 1984 or Atlas Shrugged which are not just stories about people, but are stories about societies. This book was a great story about a person, and it was worth every penny. I loved it. I read it in one day, but at the end of the day I put the book on my shelf and reminisce on what a great story that was and go to sleep.

The League of the Unemployed

2009-10-18T00:20:00.000-07:00

Its been slow. I know. Perhaps I will have more time to update my blog now that I am unemployed and make sense of these seemingly random revolutions around the sun.

For one, yes I have now joined the league of the unemployed. Hopefully its a stint that won't last for too long, but one can never tell. It just wasn't working out at my job. I am unsure as to whether God lead me there, (I always thought He did) but I am thoroughly convinced He orchestrated my being let go. I needed to resign but my pride would not let me do so. I thank my boss for letting me go, firing me when I didn't have the strength to quit. Perhaps I'll be angrier when I have to skip a meal and my lights are turned off... but I still love my boss. Most of all, I am looking forward to being friends rather than co-workers.

Carrie Prejean

2009-09-02T06:41:00.000-07:00

I'll spare you my thoughts on Carrie Prejean's loss of the Miss America crown. Oh what the heck, its B.S. she's beautiful and was a shoe in. She might have even won Ms. Universe but of course Perez Hilton came on with the Gay question and then demonized her. Sure, she was nervous and kinda fouled it up (opposite sex marriage?) but she stuck to her guns. I'm more upset at how utterly demonized she was by the media after her response. Its sad to see that this is the level of discourse today isn't it? A professor of mine calls it the Springer effect. Much like in Jerry Springer, the person who screams the loudest is the one who wins the argument? how sad. there is no actual educated debate. But I'll end that there.

I am sad though that she is suing now and getting media attention again. She is suing for religious discrimination. Its funny because all the clips of her are in a bikini. How religious is she really if she's strutting her stuff for men like that? Doesn't Christianity talk about modesty?

"9likewise also that women should adorn themselves in respectable apparel, with modesty and self-control, not with braided hair and gold or pearls or costly attire, 10 but with what is proper for women who profess godliness—with good works." -1st Timothy 2:9-10

I'll just leave it at that...

Thoughts On Exodus 2009

2009-08-04T16:23:00.000-07:00

It has been roughly two weeks since I have returned from the annual Exodus Freedom conference. This year it was held at Wheaton College in Illinois. Some thoughts:

One of my favorite things about the Exodus Conference this year was being able to hang out with the youth from the Living Hope Youth Forums. (www.forums.livehope.org) Living Hope is a ministry based out of the Dallas/Ft. Worth Tx area that ministers to people coming out of homosexuality. Though the minister to all ages, it is a beautiful thing to see how God is ministering to youth in particular through that ministry.

I fell in with them my first year at Exodus in 2004. All the youth were in a large room and Scott Davis said "This half come with me, This half go with Ricky" I was with the half that went with Ricky, though I do remember some people on my side went with Scott and some on the other side came with Ricky... so perhaps I just wasn't paying attention. It worked to my benefit though. That year I met about 20 youth my age who were coming out of homosexuality. They loved Jesus and were passionately pursuing him. They were laying down everything just for the pleasure of knowing Him more. I came to my first Exodus conference a very disillusioned, angry 19 year old, and they were instrumental in giving me hope. After my first conference I came home, signed on to the forums and shared my heart. Finally, there were people my age on the same journey as me.

Five years later I get to hang out with them again at my fourth Exodus. Some of the people that were there my first year are still holding strong. I have never met a group of people so vulnerable, so open to love and so bold in their pursuit of holiness. They are some of my role models. In a world that would force us to hide the messy parts of our lives... they boldly live open vulnerable lives. If all I get to do at Exodus is hang out with them... its well worth it.

Another highlight for me was that I was asked to facilitate a table discussion with the youth this year. It is nothing of too much noteriety, but I took it seriously. I didn't see myself as just facilitating a discussion... I saw myself as mentoring these five young men for the duration of the week. It was a surreal experience because all week I was reminded of myself at my first Exodus. As I mentioned before, I was a completely different person that July of 2004. I had given up all hope of finding freedom from homosexuality. I was just recently ending a "fling" I had with a friend that was the most tumultuous relationship I'd ever experienced. I was depressed and above all believed I was abandonned by God. I didn't want to go to my first Exodus, but rather some donors paid for me to go. I was going to give God one last chance. For the first couple of days, I thought everyone was crazy. I thought they were lying to themselves, but slowly hope crept in. And as I met more and more men and women who were walking successfully for 20-30 years some married with kids, I thought "wow, this is possible" and more importantly they taught me that God very much does love me.

It was so surreal to know the person I was in 2004, and yet understand that I was given the responsibility of pouring into these men. It was so beautiful to see God meet each and every one of them through the week.

On the first night, protestors showed up. The chapel was right on the edge of campus, and so the protestors needed only to stand across the street and shout to be heard. While inside we could hear the protestors shouting their chants about homophobia to us. And yet, Alan spoke only love about them in his message that night. If only they knew that they are loved. What a difference would it make?

Post Cornerstone Thoughts

2009-07-31T16:14:00.000-07:00

This month I went to the Cornerstone Music festival in Bushnell, Ill. I have had to take time to process the information as it was alot to take in for me. For one, it felt like stepping into a new game. I was not there simply to attend the festival (though I did get to see a few bands) I was there primarily to teach. Particularly, I was traveling with Christine Sneeringer to co-teach two 3-part workshops on homosexuality. One workshop was titled "Gays and Change pt 1: Changing The Person" this series dealt more with our own personal walks away from homosexuality, things that worked for us, explaining the root causes linked to the development of classical homosexuality and exploring the scientific research surrounding the debate on homosexuality.

The second workshop was titled "Gays and Change pt2: Changing The Conversation" this was the fun one! This one dealt more with theory. In it we addressed what the "conversation" was like now, offered different perspectives from gay bashing to gay affirming (and everything in between) and posed a new look on the debate and a healthier more constructive way to respond. My favorite point was one I made by the second day where I analyzed current arguments. As it is now, one argument is that because homosexuality is found in the animal kingdom, it is natural and should be accepted in society. I pose that comparing homosexuals to animals is an insult. it is not empowering at all. In fact, there are many things which happen in the animal kingdom such as a mother eating her babies, which we would deem inappropriate. Humans, gay and straight alike are at a higher realm than animals. Do not compare homosexuals to animals, its an insult. I also argued that the "were born this way, we can't help it" argument is victim language as well. It paints homosexuals as victims of a cosmic role of dice. With genetic engineering on the horizon it is not unimaginable that geneticists would one day seek to erradicate homosexuality. Then what?

I pose that a true sexual liberation is one that affirms people for whatever they "choose." choice is a very empowering word. It gives responsibility to the person. If people were proud to say that "I choose homosexuality because it is a viable way of life!" then that is something that can be respected. that is something that you can be proud of. furthermore, it would empower some to choose heterosexuality as well. In any case, it would liberate people to live as they see fit.

But this post wasn't about my views on the word "Choice" and the empowering of the gay community. As much as I'd like to see gays, lesbians, ex-gays empowered. This is about Cornerstone.

So, we taught two 3-part series and on the last day we were to have a panel discussion titled "Gay Rights and Wrongs" On the panel were Christine, Andrew Marin, Tony Jones, Richard Aimsbury and Myself. Tony Jones is a pro-gay theologian, and one of the founders of the emergent church movement. I have great admiration for him and I've read a few of his books. Personally I was star struck by the guy.

Richard Aimsbury is professor of ethics at Clairmont Theological Seminary. I heard he was pro-gay as well and because he was an intellectual I was quite intimidated.

and Andrew Marin was a wild card for me. I didn't know what to expect. He wrote a book called "Love is an Orientation" which I hadn't read but made me cautious. The word "orientation" is an emotionally charged word for me. It usually implies that there is no choice. Furthermore Christian media were criticizing him because he refused to say whether or not he believed homosexuality was a sin. His stance: "it doesn't matter what I say. Look to God, He will tell you if its a sin or not." So, as far as Andrew... I didn't know what to expect.

So why was I scared of these people? First of all, two of them have written books and one was a professor. They were authority figures to me. Second, I thought I was surrounded by "Pro-gay" people. I have nothing against pro-gay people, but its been my experience that typically pro-gay people have problems with me. Typically pro-gay people accuse me of being the reason the homophobia is being perpetuated across the country and why so many teens are killing themselves. The accuse me of spreading hate and ingnorance. They also refuse to accept that change/freedom is possible. In short, I feel invalidated by them. To them, I don't exist. To them I am a liar. To them I am nothing more than a poor gay kid who got brainwashed by the religious right. I am a neurotic, sexually repressed homosexual who is lieing to themselves. So, with these experiences... I am usually emotionally weary around them. I metaphorically squint my eyes waiting for the brunt of their hate.

On my first day, Tony Jones walked into one of my classes. I froze. I started to choke on my words. I couldn't go any further. I quickly wrapped up and gave the microphone to Christine. Poor Christine had to do the bulk of the first day by herself. I wasn't up for it. Tony Jones' presence there made me feel invalidated. I questioned why I should even be up there speaking. I wondered if I would make it the rest of the week.

Interestingly enough, that night Andrew Marin came up to me. He encouraged me, and strangely enough said something that perhaps could have only come from God. He said "don't let anyone invalidate you. you know your story, and you know what God has done in your life. can't nobody deny that. look, I'm not gonna lie. you're in the big leagues now, its time to put your big boy pants on." After that as well as a more elaborated pep talk for about 25 minutes, I was fine.

Finally the day of the panel came, and I sat between Tony Jones and Andrew Marin. There were some tough questions from the audience, but God gave me the words. I know they didn't come from me because its nothing like I probably would have said were I presented with the questions before hand. One girl asked "I have gay friends, and I know the goal is for them to be straight, I just don't know how to go about that" I replied "the goal isn't that they become straight, the goal is that they know Jesus!" Andrew Marin followed up by asking me "how do you do that as a leader of an exodus ministry?" and I replied "I don't come at my gay friends like a leader of an exodus ministry. I come to them as their friend. They know my story. They know where I stand. But I dont address homosexuality to them. I just want them to know Jesus. If they dont know Jesus its of no use to be straight."

Another boy raised his hand and confessed that he himself was gay. He asked "is gay a sin?" Tony Jones answered a simple "No" and then passed the microphone to me. I wonder if he was trying to put me on the spot, because I didn't need him to pass me the mic. I had one in front of me, and no questions were mandatory to answer. In any case, I looked at the boy and said "well, I adhere to a traditional interpretation of scripture." at this, I saw the boy's eyes well up with tears. My heart broke. And I said "but you know, when I was struggling with that question... there was really another question I was asking. Deep down I was asking if God still loved me. If thats the question you're asking... then I can say without a shadow of a doubt, that yes. God still loves you!"

Lastly, Richard Aimsbury said in passing that the word "unwanted same sex attractions" was really a mis-nomer. the only reason its "unwanted" is because of our hetero-sexist society. I picked up the microphone and said "Richard, I want to push back a little on that last statement. I come from a family that doesn't support the decision I've made to walk away from homosexuality. In high school one of the largest student clubs was the GSA. The school I go to currently has a gay fraternity on campus and Miami of all places is very open and tolerant of homosexuality. So don't say its only unwanted because of our hetero-sexist society, I really just didn't want that for my life. Gay wasnt who I wanted to be. I wanted a life beyond that."

Thats one thing that always gets me... people are always trying to explain me away. They say I am suffering from internalized homophobia. I ask "would I be openly talking about homosexuality if I was homophobic?" people say that I must be neurotic, but they didn't know me when I believed I was gay and there was no way out. They say that I was either never really gay, or am still gay and repressing it, or I'm bisexual and just acting out my heterosexual side. I wonder where they get the right to label me and define me? I am happier now than I've ever been. I can look in the mirror and like the person I am becoming. Not just in terms of sexuality but overall. Its about congruence. I am free to live according to my convictions. A person is more than sexuality. They have self schemas (self perceptions), a faith, a world view, dreams and ambitions. if any of those are in conflict with each other, there is distress. I have finally been able to reconcile who I am as a person, my faith, my world view, my dreams and aspirations. There is finally peace in my mind and in my heart whereas before I cried "why have you made me this way?" or "how can you let this happen?" or "If they ever found out who I really am..."

I live free of secrets. I am in community. My friends all know my story and love me. I am free!

An Honest Try

2009-07-23T19:04:00.000-07:00

So, I'm giving the blog world another go. I had a blog before on Xanga which I was a fan of for a while until I started asking myself questions and gave up. I always ask myself questions about my motivation in blogging. I come to the conclusion that its my own narcissistic, self-absorbed, pompous egotism that motivates me to blog. Who am I that I would think the world needs to know my every thought? This is also why I've refused to join twitter. I do not think I'm important enough to inform people about when I go grocery shopping, what movie I'm going to see or what I'm eating as a 2:38pm snack. Ranting aside, I'm going to give this blog an honest try.

I think I've gotten past the stage where I think what I say is important, and now just want to share ideas, meet new people, ignite new thoughts. Do I even have thoughts of my own?

If you read my blog, let me know.

Frank