Post Cornerstone Thoughts

This month I went to the Cornerstone Music festival in Bushnell, Ill. I have had to take time to process the information as it was alot to take in for me. For one, it felt like stepping into a new game. I was not there simply to attend the festival (though I did get to see a few bands) I was there primarily to teach. Particularly, I was traveling with Christine Sneeringer to co-teach two 3-part workshops on homosexuality. One workshop was titled "Gays and Change pt 1: Changing The Person" this series dealt more with our own personal walks away from homosexuality, things that worked for us, explaining the root causes linked to the development of classical homosexuality and exploring the scientific research surrounding the debate on homosexuality.

The second workshop was titled "Gays and Change pt2: Changing The Conversation" this was the fun one! This one dealt more with theory. In it we addressed what the "conversation" was like now, offered different perspectives from gay bashing to gay affirming (and everything in between) and posed a new look on the debate and a healthier more constructive way to respond. My favorite point was one I made by the second day where I analyzed current arguments. As it is now, one argument is that because homosexuality is found in the animal kingdom, it is natural and should be accepted in society. I pose that comparing homosexuals to animals is an insult. it is not empowering at all. In fact, there are many things which happen in the animal kingdom such as a mother eating her babies, which we would deem inappropriate. Humans, gay and straight alike are at a higher realm than animals. Do not compare homosexuals to animals, its an insult. I also argued that the "were born this way, we can't help it" argument is victim language as well. It paints homosexuals as victims of a cosmic role of dice. With genetic engineering on the horizon it is not unimaginable that geneticists would one day seek to erradicate homosexuality. Then what?

I pose that a true sexual liberation is one that affirms people for whatever they "choose." choice is a very empowering word. It gives responsibility to the person. If people were proud to say that "I choose homosexuality because it is a viable way of life!" then that is something that can be respected. that is something that you can be proud of. furthermore, it would empower some to choose heterosexuality as well. In any case, it would liberate people to live as they see fit.

But this post wasn't about my views on the word "Choice" and the empowering of the gay community. As much as I'd like to see gays, lesbians, ex-gays empowered. This is about Cornerstone.

So, we taught two 3-part series and on the last day we were to have a panel discussion titled "Gay Rights and Wrongs" On the panel were Christine, Andrew Marin, Tony Jones, Richard Aimsbury and Myself. Tony Jones is a pro-gay theologian, and one of the founders of the emergent church movement. I have great admiration for him and I've read a few of his books. Personally I was star struck by the guy.

Richard Aimsbury is professor of ethics at Clairmont Theological Seminary. I heard he was pro-gay as well and because he was an intellectual I was quite intimidated.

and Andrew Marin was a wild card for me. I didn't know what to expect. He wrote a book called "Love is an Orientation" which I hadn't read but made me cautious. The word "orientation" is an emotionally charged word for me. It usually implies that there is no choice. Furthermore Christian media were criticizing him because he refused to say whether or not he believed homosexuality was a sin. His stance: "it doesn't matter what I say. Look to God, He will tell you if its a sin or not." So, as far as Andrew... I didn't know what to expect.

So why was I scared of these people? First of all, two of them have written books and one was a professor. They were authority figures to me. Second, I thought I was surrounded by "Pro-gay" people. I have nothing against pro-gay people, but its been my experience that typically pro-gay people have problems with me. Typically pro-gay people accuse me of being the reason the homophobia is being perpetuated across the country and why so many teens are killing themselves. The accuse me of spreading hate and ingnorance. They also refuse to accept that change/freedom is possible. In short, I feel invalidated by them. To them, I don't exist. To them I am a liar. To them I am nothing more than a poor gay kid who got brainwashed by the religious right. I am a neurotic, sexually repressed homosexual who is lieing to themselves. So, with these experiences... I am usually emotionally weary around them. I metaphorically squint my eyes waiting for the brunt of their hate.

On my first day, Tony Jones walked into one of my classes. I froze. I started to choke on my words. I couldn't go any further. I quickly wrapped up and gave the microphone to Christine. Poor Christine had to do the bulk of the first day by herself. I wasn't up for it. Tony Jones' presence there made me feel invalidated. I questioned why I should even be up there speaking. I wondered if I would make it the rest of the week.

Interestingly enough, that night Andrew Marin came up to me. He encouraged me, and strangely enough said something that perhaps could have only come from God. He said "don't let anyone invalidate you. you know your story, and you know what God has done in your life. can't nobody deny that. look, I'm not gonna lie. you're in the big leagues now, its time to put your big boy pants on." After that as well as a more elaborated pep talk for about 25 minutes, I was fine.

Finally the day of the panel came, and I sat between Tony Jones and Andrew Marin. There were some tough questions from the audience, but God gave me the words. I know they didn't come from me because its nothing like I probably would have said were I presented with the questions before hand. One girl asked "I have gay friends, and I know the goal is for them to be straight, I just don't know how to go about that" I replied "the goal isn't that they become straight, the goal is that they know Jesus!" Andrew Marin followed up by asking me "how do you do that as a leader of an exodus ministry?" and I replied "I don't come at my gay friends like a leader of an exodus ministry. I come to them as their friend. They know my story. They know where I stand. But I dont address homosexuality to them. I just want them to know Jesus. If they dont know Jesus its of no use to be straight."

Another boy raised his hand and confessed that he himself was gay. He asked "is gay a sin?" Tony Jones answered a simple "No" and then passed the microphone to me. I wonder if he was trying to put me on the spot, because I didn't need him to pass me the mic. I had one in front of me, and no questions were mandatory to answer. In any case, I looked at the boy and said "well, I adhere to a traditional interpretation of scripture." at this, I saw the boy's eyes well up with tears. My heart broke. And I said "but you know, when I was struggling with that question... there was really another question I was asking. Deep down I was asking if God still loved me. If thats the question you're asking... then I can say without a shadow of a doubt, that yes. God still loves you!"

Lastly, Richard Aimsbury said in passing that the word "unwanted same sex attractions" was really a mis-nomer. the only reason its "unwanted" is because of our hetero-sexist society. I picked up the microphone and said "Richard, I want to push back a little on that last statement. I come from a family that doesn't support the decision I've made to walk away from homosexuality. In high school one of the largest student clubs was the GSA. The school I go to currently has a gay fraternity on campus and Miami of all places is very open and tolerant of homosexuality. So don't say its only unwanted because of our hetero-sexist society, I really just didn't want that for my life. Gay wasnt who I wanted to be. I wanted a life beyond that."

Thats one thing that always gets me... people are always trying to explain me away. They say I am suffering from internalized homophobia. I ask "would I be openly talking about homosexuality if I was homophobic?" people say that I must be neurotic, but they didn't know me when I believed I was gay and there was no way out. They say that I was either never really gay, or am still gay and repressing it, or I'm bisexual and just acting out my heterosexual side. I wonder where they get the right to label me and define me? I am happier now than I've ever been. I can look in the mirror and like the person I am becoming. Not just in terms of sexuality but overall. Its about congruence. I am free to live according to my convictions. A person is more than sexuality. They have self schemas (self perceptions), a faith, a world view, dreams and ambitions. if any of those are in conflict with each other, there is distress. I have finally been able to reconcile who I am as a person, my faith, my world view, my dreams and aspirations. There is finally peace in my mind and in my heart whereas before I cried "why have you made me this way?" or "how can you let this happen?" or "If they ever found out who I really am..."

I live free of secrets. I am in community. My friends all know my story and love me. I am free!

An Honest Try

So, I'm giving the blog world another go. I had a blog before on Xanga which I was a fan of for a while until I started asking myself questions and gave up. I always ask myself questions about my motivation in blogging. I come to the conclusion that its my own narcissistic, self-absorbed, pompous egotism that motivates me to blog. Who am I that I would think the world needs to know my every thought? This is also why I've refused to join twitter. I do not think I'm important enough to inform people about when I go grocery shopping, what movie I'm going to see or what I'm eating as a 2:38pm snack.  Ranting aside, I'm going to give this blog an honest try. 

I think I've gotten past the stage where I think what I say is important, and now just want to share ideas, meet new people, ignite new thoughts. Do I even have thoughts of my own? 

If you read my blog, let me know.

Frank